


Let No One Think I Gave In

by Kar9aiTheThird



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Assault, Attachment, Attempted Murder, Child Soldiers, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-08-27 10:35:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8398261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kar9aiTheThird/pseuds/Kar9aiTheThird
Summary: A traumatic experience leaves Alex with an unhealthy attachment to a certain soldier who's quite frankly in over his head. Plot and chap 1&2 adopted from ovolamp





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For those of you who saw this story before its brief hiatus, welcome to the continuation from where ovolamp left off.
> 
> For those of you didn't;
> 
> The talented ovolamp felt that she would not be able to continue this lovely story for her own reasons. So she put it up for adoption.
> 
> I'm glad to have been given the privilege to adopt it and perhaps continue it acceptably to all of your expectation.
> 
> These first two chapters are her original work with minimal changes.
> 
> Chapter three is the beginning of mine.

It's not like war; Wolf would know, he's seen war, experienced it – and he knew that when he took a life in combat, it was only to protect the ones he loved most.

It was justified.

…

It's not like assassination; Wolf has never killed a man in cold blood, only in the heat of battle – but he knew that to be assassinated was to be murdered.

In this instance, murder would have been more merciful.

…

It's not like torture; Wolf hasn't been tortured, but he's seen what it can do to a person – and he knew that it could shatter a hardened soldier into pieces.

Because even though it was like torture, it was much, much worse.

…

This was pure, unadulterated evil.

Cub's body is perfectly preserved. There aren't any marks except for the life leeching slits on his wrists that are still weeping from where they are submerged in the bathtub. The water is a bright red and has a thicker consistency that it should. It's still lukewarm to the touch, but the kid, the kid is unbearably cold.

Dead.

It's his face that Wolf can't look away from.

Where his body had remained relatively untouched, his youthful face had suffered.

The kid's nostrils, his lips, his eyes had been… sutured shut. And the dried blood crusted on the white string used to do it, indicated that the kid had been alive when the bastard had done it – alive and aware that he was about to be slaughtered.

Wolf briefly wondered what the teenager had felt as it happened.

Probably fear, he decided vaguely, reaching up and gingerly swiping the wetness from his eyes. He hoped it was resignation, hoped that the kid hadn't been holding out for someone to save him. Then, in his final moments, realized no one was coming.

God, Wolf hoped that the kid knew it was over.

He moved as though to go to the vulnerable figure of his fifth teammate, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. Wolf glanced up and met the misty gaze of Snake, "The detectives don't want us fucking up the crime scene, Wolf."

Wolf nodded.

Snake jerked his head towards the door, "Let's get out of here."

His voice is cracked and filled with remorse.

So is Wolf's entire sense of being.

They move out.

….

I'm not dead.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm not dead.

…

The stitches were professional, taut and neat, a work of art, or so the bastard had said. They were unbearably tight and stretched his skin painfully; the feel of them was almost as bad as when his tormentor had sewn them in.

The memory of the needle being pushed through his flesh, over and over again, with calculating precision and sheer ruthless, instilled a demoralizing fear.

Had he been able to shudder, he would have.

But he couldn't.

His body was completely unresponsive, and it wasn't because of the blood loss. Because, in all honesty, the blood in the bathtub he was lying in, was not his. It belonged, according to his captor, to a rather unfortunate piglet.

His wounds were merely superficial, merely for show.

Alex wasn't meant to die, at least not yet.

He was meant to suffer.

"The venom of the black widow, Alex, is quite elegant," the man explained casually as he drew Alex's eyelid towards him and pierced his needle through, "during the exacerbation phase, which occurs within the first twenty four hours of being bitten, or, in your case, injected, the victim will experience a variety of symptoms."

He pulled the thread through, slowly, "Your symptoms, dear Alex, are bradycardia - a very slow heartbeat -, piloerection - which happens when you become so cold you develop goose bumps - and, last, but certainly not least," he paused briefly as Alex elicited a barely audible whimper, and grinned at the boy, sadistically "paralysis."

The sutures on his left nostril were looser and less tidy – a purposeful act -, leaving a small gap for Alex to draw in air, however minimal the amount.

It hurt to breathe.

Eventually, his determination would dissipate. As his would-be-rescuers filed into the room, one by one, and misread the signs, he would become disheartened.

Eventually, he would allow himself to asphyxiate.

…

It was meant to be slow.

The needle, slick with red, went down the drain.

The thread was stuffed surreptitiously amongst the feathery insides of a cushion.

The used injection was placed, quite obviously, in the fridge.

What was a murder, so ingeniously creative and perfectly illustrated worth, if he didn't leave behind a clue that would lead them to the horrifying truth?

They're own incompetence killed him.

He smiled.

It had been ten minutes since a 'domestic violence' call was placed at the local police department, seven minutes since he'd crawled into his law enforcement uniform, five minutes since 'Officer Stanley' had radioed in that there was a body.

Two minutes since he'd left the apartment, traipsed down the stairs and handed the 'crime scene' over to superior authority, looking mighty distressed as he did so. 'He's only a boy! Who could do such a thing to a child?!'

One second since he'd vanished into the chilly London night. …

'Officer who?'

Alex could hear them.

"The detectives don't want us fucking up the crime scene, Wolf."

They'd hardly said a word upon entering – Wolf had murmured something about it being his fault, Snake had squashed the notion instantly. Alex had mentally screamed that it was about to be Wolf's fault, if he didn't fucking realize he was alive and well and dear god, please help me, please…

Then silence.

'Please help me.'

Someone sniffed, another person shifted.

'Help me, help, please, I'm not dead, I'm not dea-'

There was a heavy sigh.

"Let's get out of here."

Floorboards creaked.

'No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no.'

'I'm not dead, I'm not dead!'

'Help me! Please, I'm alive, I'm alive!'

'NO!'

"Fuck it. Give me a minute, Snake." Wolf's voice, rough with emotion and oddly muffled sliced through Alex's terror induced haze.

"Wolf," Snake intoned warningly, "that's not a good idea."

A beat

"I know."

Footsteps, unbearably slow made their way back into the room. Alex listened intently as they drew closer, closer, closer, and then paused.

'Please, Wolf. I'm begging you, please. Come closer, feel my pulse, I'm here.'

"Cub," the older man breathed wearily, "Oh Jesus, Cub."

'I'm alive.'

Gentle fingers ghosted across his ashen face and Alex would have flinched had he been able, the contact was so sudden. They trailed over his cheek, down to his chin, then back again, before tentatively running over his closed eyelid.

"Fuck," Wolf murmured hoarsely, "look what the bastard did to you, Cub."

They rubbed delicate circles into his forehead; the warmth from the man's fingertips a merciful reprieve against the onslaught of cold.

'Lower, lower, lower, lower.'

His calloused hand gently ruffled blond hair, "I'm sorry."

'Please, I forgive you; I'll do anything, please… Just help me…'

"I'm so fucking sorry, Cub."

'Help me…'

"Wolf," this time the voice has a French lilt to it in a near whisper, "we've got to vacate the area, mate. The detectives are here…"

"Coming, Eagle."

The touch lingered for a moment more, the soft pad of Wolf's thumb drifting over the boy's top lip tenderly, before freezing as something warm fluttered against it.

"Holy fuck…" Wolf breathed in stunned horror.


	3. Chapter 3

Alex's sluggish heart leaps.

"What is it !"

Wolf's fingers hastily find the junction between Alex's jaw and neck.

Alex wills his pulse to be stronger; surer.

'Yes, yes, see I'm alive, I'm still alive. Help me, please'

"Fuck, he's alive Skye."

Wolf scrambles to pull Alex from his near deathbed, stained a crimson red. Cub's body is completely limp and impossibly cold.

"Get Kyle in here!"

Snake recovers from his shock and rushes from the room to obey.

As soon as he leaves the vicinity of the bathroom and its sinister gloom, he's is confronted by the authorities, detectives and paramedics alike, who've come to investigate the alleged homicide.

"Quickly, in here he needs help."

EMTs shove past and Wolf is roughly pushed aside. His mind is reeling and the possibilities of the last minute weaken his soul.

'Cub'

The doubtful voices of the medics draw his attention back from a dire almost-reality.

Look at all the blood in there; there's no way he could be alive.

Wolf forces through the door asserting his presence in the tiny bathroom.

He stares at the prone, marred form.

'How could he be alive?'

Wolf braces himself against the cold tiled wall. Everywhere is cold.

And Cub... so fuck'in cold he had to be dead.

'He can't be alive.'

Wolf pulls back his hair, distraught and confused.

"I've got a pulse."

"My God!"

Wolf snaps to attention, watching, forgotten in the corner of the room.

'Stay with us Cub'

The paramedics increase their efforts

"Hang on kid. We've got you."

"Get rid of that goddamn thread so he can breath. God so help the wicked bastard who could do this to a child."

Wolf leaves the room quietly

'Indeed'

His comrades study his face.

"Well?"

"He's alive." his voice is barely audible

"How?"

"I don't know." Wolf seems to crumble in on himself. "I can't believe...I"

"But all the blood in the tub," Snake's expression reflects confusion 

The paramedics wheel Alex pass a moment later. His marred face is covered with an oxygen mask, the bloody lashes of is eyes are hidden altogether under bandages, his wrist are bandaged as well. One of the paramedics steps aside, addressing Wolf.

"Its a really fucked up shit who can do that to somebody." He whispers harshly at Wolf.

Wolf's distress shows on his face.

The paramedic roughly jerks a thumb in the direction of the bathroom "The blood in that tub doesn't belong to him."

Wolf's expression becomes more pained and his face pales further.

"His wrist have barely bled at all."

Wolf's hand is shaking with effort to repress his rage as the paramedics carefully wheel

Alex down the stairs to street level.

"Someone tried to fuck with our minds and it nearly worked." the paramedic gives him one more meaningful glance before joining his coworkers at the bottom of the steps.

Eagle shifts his gaze from the man's retreating back to his comrades. Their eyes reflect his desire for answers.

"Why would someone do this to him?" He exclaims in overwhelmed confusion. "I mean what the fuck?"

"I'm more concerned with who did this." Snake's eyes flash with a glimmer his comrades rarely ever see.

Fox is talking to the two officers who are milling around gathering info while forensic photographers and other personnel stream in. Wolf leans back heavily against the wall, separate from the thrall of efficient, almost detachment, clawing at his hair in self recrimination.

"I almost fucking missed it." his mutters, breathless with a horror like unintentional murder.

Its so quiet his teammate don't look up at first, they're all contemplative or answering questions or otherwise occupied with the gravity of the situation.

His sudden outburst brings all heads around to him.

"I nearly finished the fucking job!" for lack of a better outlet his fist connects with the wall bloodily.

"Don't you see" he addresses the room at large "The goddamn shit planned it like this, and I... we almost left." He seems to partially deflate again "We fucking assumed he was dead. God, what if was still conscious."

Eagle stares for a moment, appalled, before turning to one of the detectives taking in the info, "He must have poisoned him, paralyzed him or something, some reason he didn't fight back." his voice sounds slightly strained "That kid doesn't go down without a fight."

"You know him well then?" One of the nameless people picking apart the scene asks him

"Yeah," Fox answers pointedly "We know him well."

The man, the lead on the case, looks back and forth between the men, taking in the steely anguished expressions, the hardcore demeanors.

"I take it your ex military, maybe SAS?"

"My troop's on rotation," Wolf answers with a crisp nod towards his teammates.

The detective has the grace to look contrite for a moment before he plows on, nodding in a matter of factly way.

"That means you can appreciate that what I'm about to tell you stays in this room; not for public consumption yet, you understand."

"What is it?"

He has the mens' undivided attention and he knows without a doubt that he can trust them, that the victim means something to them, something profound; they've weather through something together, perhaps. They can only be a help going forward.

"There were two murders earlier this month about a week apart, exactly the same M.O. no clues left. With this third attempt this beginning to look like a serial killer."

He watches their faces darken in turn comprehending the state of the situation. Their leader seems keenly volatile in-fact. He steps away from the wall.

"If this kid can re-," he continues doggedly

"Alex," Wolf corrects him directly

The detective nods respectfully "If Alex can remember anything at all about this man, we might be able to stop him from doing this again.

"When they slip up like this and make mistakes, that's when you catch them."

Snake nods succinctly before pointing out, "You need to find out what the hell he-"

He's interrupted by the detective's partner; younger, less hardened, sharper. "Lestrade, take a look at this." He holds up the artfully discarded syringe, mostly empty, left as a declarative 'Fuck You'.

Lestrade eyes the icon of pride, noting the remnants of a milky substance clinging to the insides. "Well, I'll be damned if that isn't a start."


	4. Chapter 4

Wolf feels nauseous listening to the nurse describe Alex's injuries and after care. Despite the damages he has afflicted in the name of patriotism and the interest of the British state, the phrase "scratches on his corneas from the needle point" still turns his stomach.

Alex is still, sleeping off the effects of his close call. It was touch and go for a bit when Wolf had first arrived. He was grateful for his teammates understanding in giving him some space with Alex. But watching the frenetic energy of doctors and nurses, racing around in a frenzy that can only be understood as chaos, testing, unsure why he was tanking; misreading the hyperventilating, sluggish pulse, emerging shock; Wolf could have done with better company than Mrs. Jones. Except for the fact that she was able to get the tests results from the syringe processed faster.

Thanks to that, Alex is doped up to his gills in anti-venom, and muscle relaxants. Watching them slowly take effect, watching the child fight his cellular battle, oblivious to to his company, Wolf feels acutely tired and harrowed himself; like a family member out of their mind with worry. No, like a parent. He feels as though he should have prevented this, could have.

He gently smooths the boy's blond locks away from the thin white gauze covering his eyes under the soft, translucent blue visor. Its taped down so he can't scrape it away in distress when he first wakes. His lacerated eyelids and scraped corneas need to heal. The doctors say his eyelashes might temporarily fall out because of the trauma. That he'll needs drops regularly for a week to heal the eyes and prevent infection.

That he'll need someone to take care of him.

Wolf tears his eyes away from Cub's damaged ones to his bandaged wrists, thinking of how deceptive the weeping slits had been.

Working off of assumptions; dangerous shit.

Looking over his relaxed body in general, its easy to see that he's been slipping, falling in on himself ever since Jack was deported. He's thinner, beyond slim, no longer as fit. Less than healthy, to be honest since the Faisalabad mission. And therein lies Wolf's blame, since he knew this. Was present for the aftermath of Cub's insubordination in fact. He had felt that sending Jack back to the States was harsh, yes, but he didn't necessarily offer his assistance to stop the downward spiral either.

Who'd have known that the crash at the bottom would have been so fucking devastating. Because Wolf has no illusionary ideas about Alex coming through this unscathed.

"Who could?" he thinks

They say its possible for a person to wake up from a sleep or coma with their last conscious thought at the forefront of their mind. The fear or anxiety on resume. Eagle and Wolf find out that this is true.

Eagle's sitting by Alex's bed later that night, occupying the chair Wolf had indirectly declared as his own, watching Wolf pace in the expansive private room, explaining exactly why he was at fault.

Eagle doesn't blame him for the current situation; he's pretty sure Alex won't either, but listening to the string of events and their consequences, he can see why Wolf does.

Because someone should have stood up to MI6 to soften the heavy handed blow Alex was dealt for his part in the failure of the Faisalabad mission. But not Wolf. He hadn't been in the position to do that anymore than he had already been trying to.

To be fair those sort of missed placed loyalties and second thoughts to the cause that had led Alex astray are exactly the sort of thoughts of a teenaged boy with no guide in a hard situation. To be precise, he shouldn't have been in that sort of situation in the first place.

To go so far as to evict him from his childhood home to the second rate flat where he'd eventually been attacked was exceptionally harsh, to put it mildly; but it wasn't Wolf's fault.. Neither was the fact that Alex was alone at the house at the time. He lived alone for Pete's sake and he wasn't inclined to taking many visitors.

Wolf having extended the invitation to join team at his place to watch the game had been a caring, thoughtful act in itself. And the decision to follow up when Alex stayed worrying absent despite accepting gratefully was nothing short of life saving.

Eagle looks up again from his contemplation at Wolf quietly heated voice.

"Its just not fucking right. You understand what I'm saying?"

"Yeah, I get it," Eagle answers conversationally before give his best mate a hard look. "But it wasn't your prerogative to stop it or even fix it either."

Wolf stops his pacing, looking mildly annoyed thinking he'd had Eagle's supportive derogatory input.

"Don't be arrogant," Eagle continues firmly "You did what you could."

Wolf flops into the other, less comfortable chair a second after a dejected look fleets across his face.

"Somebody should have stopped it before it got to this. That's all I'm saying."

"I know, Ry, I know," Eagle answers softly, watching Cub's features begin to scrunch in discomfort.

"He's waking up." He whispers to Wolf who sits straighter dragging his hand off his face.

They suddenly realise he's mumbling to himself. The same mantra over and over in a desperate voice till they hear what it is he had needed them to hear; "I'm not dead, I'm not dead, please don't leave, please don't leave.

"My God," Eagle whispers reaching for the boy's hand.

"Alex, Alex listen," Wolf calls him softly, rubbing a rough palm up and down Alex's arm. The smooth skin reflects the tenderness of his age.

"Your safe now buddy. We didn't leave. You're okay now."

The look the two men share from across the opposite sides of the bed is pure anguish when he wont be consoled. He deadly still but his voice carries an anguish of its own.

Wolf works his hand into Cub's smaller one, stimulating his palm so that he instinctively grasps his hand.

"See you can move now. Your safe Cub," he soothes him with an earnest voice "The bastard didn't get you. We didn't leave."

Alex seems to have heard him and his other hand tightens around Eagle's as well before lifting in an aborted gesture to reach for his eyes.

His head tosses back and forth while Eagle presses the call button to signal the nurses.

"You're okay Cub." Wolf is still saying when Alex squeezes his hand and turns to focus on the general vicinity of his voice.

"Wolf?" his voice is croaking and whispery

"Yeah, I'm here. You're safe. Eagle's hear too."

Alex doesn't seem to acknowledge the rest of his sentence; his hand shakes fearfully and so does his voice.

"Wolf, why can't I see?"


	5. Chapter 5

By the time the doctor is finished explaining Alex's injuries, treatment and a reasonable time table for expectations, everything has gone over his head except for the realization that he is finally completely overwhelmed, followed by a depressing sense of dependency. And even then he can't bring himself to extract his hand from Wolf's warm, sure grip. He tells himself that it's for Wolf's benefit as much as for his own. After all the man has not let go since Alex awoke and latched on it to it and he's rubbing comforting circles into the back of it with the pad of one work roughened thumb.

But the truth that Alex is so reluctant to acknowledge, is that his sense of reality and the tenuous hold he has on his fear are hinged on the warmth and sheer presence of that grip. Without it he knows he'd be transported right back to the cold unforgiving rim of his bath tub that he has come to despise for all its flaws. His head resting back against it against his will, wishing anyone would indulge in a leap of faith or perhaps denial and catch him before he succumbed to his own despair.

Wolf knew. He somehow heard him or felt him or simply cared enough to answer.

Alex doesn't realize that he's tense and shaking until he hears Wolf's reassurances and the hand now moving up and down his arm. "It's fine Alex. You're okay. Do you hear me? Its over."

Again somehow, he's attuned to Alex's emotions, saving him from himself. Alex relaxes somewhat. But he's still concerned by the laundry list of instructions the doctor seemingly battered him with.

Instead of revealing just how comforted he is by Wolf's attentiveness and preparing himself for painful inevitable abandonment, he says "I didn't hear everything the doctor said and I don't know what…" Before he can finish, Wolf pulls away and Alex gasps quietly at the suddenness of it.

"No problem," Wolf says from a small distance away, oblivious to the effect his departure has on Alex's state. "He wrote down everything and there's a shitload of pamphlets and readouts so we're covered."

Wolf sits back down with a folder of papers and brochures but he doesn't take Alex's hand again feeling embarrassed of his own need to physically reassure himself that he had not failed the child utterly. He passes some of the reading material to Eagle who has faithfully stuck by all the prodding and questions and discomfort, to offer any support he could through the process of Alex coming fully aware for the first time since the attack. Personally he feels the kid held up like a champ but he does quietly note that his now empty hand, shakes slightly and he seems not to know what to do with either hand now that neither is occupied. The fact that those hands now shake violently when there's a knock at his private room door is not lost on Eagle either.

Knowing its Jones come to give them an update, Wolf gives a long-suffering sigh and calls for her to come in. But Alex interrupts, shouting for him to wait.

Wolf turns to him, startled to find him shaking and reaching out towards the general vicinity of Wolf's shoulder. Eagle strides over to the door and locks it, softly telling the person on the other side to come back in a bit.

"It's locked Cub." Eagle addresses him gently "What's wrong?" He notes his tense body language and the way he's clutching Wolf's hand now. Wolf looks up from next to him with a brief, rare expression of sadness and confusion as though he has no idea how to help him. Eagle offers a hand on his shoulder for support.

"It could be anybody you know." Alex answers with a steadier voice than he thought he could manage. "People aren't always who they say. You know that right? They could lie to get you. If you just let people in you could die." He's rambling now, unable to stop. "You can't know right? Anyone can be lying. If…"

"Alex" Wolf interrupts before he gets anymore agitated "Is that how you were attacked?"

Alex frowns, pulling back his hand shamefully. "It was completely stupid; I shouldn't have been so trusting." He rubs tiredly at the screen over his eyes, dropping his hand again after the gesture proves utterly useless. "Just because he said it doesn't make it true," he mumbles

"Alex, how did he get in?" Wolf asks more firmly

Alex looks contrite for having avoided a direct answer; he does owe Wolf at least an explanation for why he had to save him.

But still he doesn't answer right away. "Who is at the door?" He asks instead.

"Jones." Wolf answers impatiently

"She's been hanging around trying to apologize for this whole nasty business," Eagle offers a more complete explanation.

"Did he trick you?" Wolf is eager to know "Was he impersonating someone?"

Alex looks up to the general location of Wolf's voice and suddenly he wants so badly to see the expression on his face; to believe that he would kill this man for him.

The look on his own face is unbearably sad, hopeful but sad.

"He said he was a police officer." Alex answers in a whisper laying back on his pillows dejectedly, exhausted.

"I should have asked for identification or something. It was too late though. I couldn't stop him."

Wolf looks up toward Eagle again who stands right behind his chair. Wolf's look conveys a need for action but he surprises Eagle a little with words of comfort instead.

"Listen to me Cub. You've done nothing wrong. You hear me? Absolutely nothing. It's not your fault he attacked you. Do you understand?"

"But it was so easy to prevent it…"

"Alex," Wolf interrupts him frantically; squeezing his hand "You didn't know. You're not at fault, if anything I should have gotten there sooner. I would have been…"

"Ryand, don't do this." Eagle whispers from above his shoulder, squeezing it to get through to him.

"It's true Jake, and don't you fucking think otherwise. A little bit sooner damn it," He softens his tone slightly "We could have caught him."

Eagle doesn't press him further. He knows how adept his friend is at taking the responsibility for everything, even what he can't control. Trying to control what shouldn't. But he knows that it's going to drag him down. He doesn't need that. Neither of them does. In time he'll make him see this.

He pats Wolf shoulder once more before announcing that he's gone to get coffee for the two of them and when the door quietly closes behind him, Wolf knows that Eagle's also telling Ms. Jones to come back with her apologies and information later; that he's giving Alex a chance to calm down and rest; that's he's giving Wolf a little space to regroup and get over himself so he can come to the realization that they can at least stop the bastard if not prevent his actions; and Wolf breaths a silent thanks for friends who get him, who can tell the difference between grief, pigheadedness or something else, or when he just needs a moment.

He looks back at Alex whose quiet and broody and unbearably fragile looking.

"He knew you would come," Alex whispers eventually "He said, you would come and see me and assume and leave and…and…" Tears roll quietly down his face.

"Thanks," He sniffs "For not leaving."

Wolf reads into it as the plea for help that he knows it is and despite his own reservations, offers reassurance. "I won't Cub. Don't worry."


	6. Chapter 6

It's another twelve hours before the doctors decide that the bandages covering his eyes can come off and finally free up a much needed sense. Alex feels a little apprehensive at first because of the sudden pain when his eyes meet the cool disinfected air of his hospital room.

Once he is able to focus on the nurse and doctor standing by his bed and the pain subsides, he is very grateful to be out of the dark where his mind could grant his fear free reign. He is actually quite eager to present Wolf with his rediscovered sight as well and once the nurse applies some of the prescribed antibiotic drops, the pain recedes completely.

The doctor agrees to wait until either Wolf or another member of K-unit is present before going over his instructions again for his discharge later that evening. Alex suspects that it's because the issue of the difference between who exactly is his legal guardian and who has actually been showing any interest in his well-being, is making things difficult. But it suits him just fine. He's going to be looking after himself anyway.

The nurses and doctor leave after that and Alex spends some time taking in his bare, but large private room at St. Dominic's, evident by the more lavish décor. He sees a bit of inconspicuous evidence of his visitors, such as the depressions in the chairs from apparent bedside vigils and a left over coffee cup that hasn't been cleaned up yet. But the room is devoid of customary get well gifts except for a small bouquet put in by the staff as a so called cheery initiative.

It doesn't bother him really. He honestly doesn't expect it with how isolated he has become. He's barely existed to most people ever since MI6 pretty much disowned him and sent Jack off. That particular wound is still incredibly raw and he'd rather not dwell on the consequences of her absence for even a moment.

He'd much rather not be alone with his thoughts at all right now. If he could at all silence his thoughts and do away with the swirl of emotions bombarding him at the moment, he'd have set aside a special little corner in his mind to lock away the worst of the shit he's feeling and be rid of the whole messy business. Too bad MI6 didn't teach him how to compartmentalize when he was learning how to kill.

It's a whole lot easier said than done in any real sense. Still he tries brow beating his traumatized mind into submission anyway because the alternative is too depressing to accept.

When Wolf walks in a little while later, he brings the autumn scents of downtown London in with him and with his warm leather jacket and a Best Buy Shopping bag, Alex can't help but think that he looks as though he belongs. A feeling he's been lacking in.

"Hey, would you look at that," Wolf exclaims happily when first greeted with Alex's open eyes. He sets down his bag and removes his jacket. "How's it feel to be out of the dark?"

Alex can't help but smile from Wolf's enthusiasm, "You can't imagine the relief. I'd thought maybe I'd gone blind. So hell yeah, I'm glad."

Wolf nods understandingly with a look of concern on his face as he comes closer to examine the damage for himself. He takes Alex's chin, turning his face slightly to the side. "Does it hurt?" he asks seriously

"It did at first. Felt kind of like the...like something was still in it but the nurse put in some of those drops that the doctor prescribed and it's helped quite a bit."

Wolf notes the slightly puffy eyelids and a bit of redness around the lashes, but his eyes themselves look mostly fine except for the haunted look he can't quite hide. The marking around his nose and lips though, are still starkly obvious.

He eventually sits down in his designated chair and decides to present Alex with his gift.

"Well," He begins, fidgeting with the bag "I figure you're probably not the flowers and teddies kind of guy."

"Really," Alex smiles at Wolf's apparent nervousness "Whatever gave you that idea?"

Wolf rolls his eyes. "So, I got you something else to take your mind off things." He hands Alex the bag, whose interest has definitely been peaked. "You'd better like it too; cost me an arm and a leg."

Alex looks up to find him smiling and he smiles too, diving into the bag to pull out a shiny new touchscreen tablet with all the bells and whistles, such as he's seen Smithers play with on occasion. The grin he can't hold back hurts his lips a good deal, but he's too surprised and touched to take notice.

"Really?" He asked Wolf with an awestruck laugh "No joke? Cause I'm not gonna lie; that would be cruel."

Wolf chuckles a bit at his disbelief, "Absolutely no joke. Go ahead and open it."

"Wow," Alex breathes turning it over in his hands. "Thank you."

Wolf sits back and watches Alex checking out the gadget, so much more benign than he's used to, and he's thinks that the kid deserved some spoiling; that it feels good spoiling him. That it was so fucking sad that he was that surprised by a nice gesture.

He's pulled out of his thoughts a second later though when Alex kindly reminds him that he forgot to get ear-buds to go with it.

When Wolf returns later, the scene is significantly more solemn than when he left. Eagle is sitting nearby looking peeved and Jones is perched at the end of Alex's bed, speaking to him softly; he looks decidedly uncomfortable with her presence.

"Anything new?" He asks gruffly by way of announcing himself and when they all look up, he's almost startled by the look of sheer relief on Alex's face when he notices him.

Jones rises primly, seemingly put off by Alex's cold attitude. "Not really. I was waiting until you arrived to brief you on what we know."

Wolf glances at Eagle, wondering how much of what she says will match up with what the detective told them.

Jones turns to Alex, adopting a softer tone. "I want you to know, that you were not targeted because of your work for us. If we though there was any threat because of us, no one would have gotten near. We simply didn't anticipate this. But this man has no affiliation with MI6 whatsoever."

Alex nods curtly "How do you know?"

"We don't know his name but... he has killed like this before. His official name in local investigations is, 'The Surgeon' and he appears to be a serial killer, nothing indicates any military or intelligence background."

Alex gulps visibly but asks in a steady voice. "Appears to be? How?"

"He has killed this way three times before. Same patterns, same M.O. no connections between victims. You are his first survivor."

Alex flinches at that although he tries to hide it. "Does he know that I survived?"

Eagle and Wolf look at her, eager to know this as well.

"Your condition and indeed the details of this crime and the ongoing investigation, have been kept secret, but..." She pauses here glancing at Wolf who scrutinizes her resigned expression. "Psychological profiling suggest that he may have remained at the scene,"

She's interrupted by an angry sigh and a quiet curse from the two soldiers but she presses on. ",that he would have wanted to see whether you were found alive or not. He could have been one of the spectators at the scene."

Eagle has his hand on Alex's shoulder, which is shaking slightly as he places his hand over his scarred face.

"If you are able to describe him to us, we can stop him doing this again. We could ensure he never sees you again." She adds softly but Alex ignores her, his face still hidden. "We have a new security detail assigned to you at all times now, you'll be moved to a different better location-"

"No." Wolf interrupts here "No more of your fucking safe locations, You didn't prevent this happening yet you could of."

"Lieutenant, this could not have been foreseen, there was no reason to suspect..."

"I said avoided, not fucking foreseen. Truth is you don't give a shit about him; That's how this happened. He's gonna stay with me."

Alex looks up with slightly reddened eyes, but the look he regards Wolf with is a mixture of awe and surprise. Eagle shares his surprise.

"That is not true Lieutenant. I have always had Alex's safety in mind. Just as I do now. We don't know how this man operates. You can't possibly anticipate..."

"You can keep the security around, but he's staying with me," Wolf interrupts again "My place, my security. You find the son of a bitch, I'll keep him safe."

Ms. Jones is silent at first, seemingly about to argue again, but she eventually nods reluctantly digesting the demand. She turns to Alex again who's regarding Wolf with new respect and she notices. "We'll arrange for everything to be transferred. When you're ready to talk Alex, call me. Lieutenant Dhillon will be instated as your temporary guardian."

She pats his arm before leaving.

"Lieutenant." She addresses Wolf before leaving the room. Wolf nods, glad to see her go.

When Eagle meets his eye, he knows he's done the right thing, but he's a little worried by how Alex will take it.


	7. Chapter 7

The ride home that night from the hospital is quiet. At first Alex watches the people going about life as they drive by; mothers, fathers, business people, kids, tourists, all oblivious to the crimes and secrets that exist around them. He's a little bitter towards them for the simplicity of their life at first; his has been complicated for so long now. But eventually his persistent fatigue gets the best of him and he drifts off; his head lying on the window. It's a blissfully dreamless sleep and Wolf is careful not to wake him, taking the longer route home.

When they do arrive at Wolf's small modest home, he cuts the engine and sits back for a moment. He looks Alex over for a second before calling to him softly.

"We're here?" Alex asks groggily, having slept more deeply now than he had in a long time.

"Yeah, we're here. You okay?"

Alex yawns and sits straighter, taking in the neighborhood in the twilight. "Yeah, I'm good. Just still kind of tired."

Wolf nods absently, his mind elsewhere. Alex doesn't notice at first, as he's taking in the differences between this neighborhood and his own filthy one. When Wolf suddenly clears his throat, Alex notices that he seems deep in thought until he asks "You okay with all this?" He turns and looks at Alex instead of out at the empty road. "I mean, something needed to be changed and all, but if you don't want to stay here, I'm not forcing you to. That was spontaneous on my part."

Alex is quiet, searching his face for a bit, trying to read his expression in the half dark.

"I'm glad you did." He finally says honestly "I really think that if you'd allowed them to move me this time; They'd see to it that I'd never see you again; any of you guys. They hate you, you know," He adds with a sort of amused respect. "They don't like the fact that you show up their flaws, especially when it comes to me."

Wolf is quiet for a while longer, taking this in.

"Really," Alex adds with a heavy dose of sarcasm in case Wolf had any further doubts. "I'm just weeping inside for the lost opportunity to live under MI6's house rules again."

Wolf smiles a little and unlocks the car, stepping out into the crisp evening. "So the British Secret Intelligence hates me," he mulls over the idea "interesting; Might as well go the whole nine yards then." He gestures behind him toward a smart little two story cape cod with two other cars in the driveway and a motorbike. "Welcome home, the guys are inside to greet you."

When they go inside, Alex is greeted warmly with cheers and back thumping hugs that leave him feeling a little winded but well received. Wolf meanwhile customarily checks the mail, the perimeter of the house and the fridge for a cold beer. He walks back out into the common area mildly annoyed. "Oi' what's the deal?" He yells brandishing the last of his pilfered stash. "One of you is replacing this." Eagle answers that Fox already volunteered which he most definitely hadn't.

Wolf pops the cap and dashes it into a nearby waste bin on the way upstairs to the mostly unused second bedroom. Snake had helped him move his bed in earlier and set up the cot in his own room. Neither room has really been furnished yet because he's been spending a lot of time with his parents and sisters since being back, but he's perfectly fine on the cot until he can get another bed. He doesn't know how permanent this will be, but it's not like he's about to move out soon, so investing in another bed makes sense.

He settles Alex's medications for muscle aches and the lingering effects of the poison, on the night stand and checks the drawers to see if his clothes were already moved in. He has to hand it to Jones, at least they're efficient. He's satisfied that everything is as it should be when he hears Snake's laugh and he decides it's about time to check and make sure his teammates haven't overwhelmed the kid.

"You really splurged on this." Snake teases Wolf by way of a greeting when he emerges from the hall at the bottom of the steps. He's leaning against the wall, drawing from his beer and he smiles fondly over at Alex who's demonstrating stylus functionality on his tablet to Eagle and Fox who are flanking him.

"Yeah," Wolf agrees chuckling "Seemed like the least I could do. Besides, he deserved something nice."

Snake looks down at him, searching his face without him noticing. "You okay?" he asks seriously

"Yeah, mate. I'm fine."

Snake doesn't look satisfied. "I mean with all this." He nods over at Alex.

"You're his hero now you know. After that trauma, it's something of an unhealthy attachment." He looks at Wolf again sternly "Are you ready for that?"

"You don't know that he won't recover. Stop talking likes he's a burden."

"I'm not saying he's a burden, mate." Snake appeases "I'm just saying if you're not able to step up to his needs now, it's going be worse; for both of you."

Wolf doesn't say anything, but shoves his hands in his pockets clenching his jaw.

"That kid has been abandoned too many fucking times, you're his last hope." Snake adds softly "It's a level of attachment that you're not used to. I just want to make sure you understand that; looking out for you both." Snake pats him on the shoulder. "It's not your fault this happened. I need you to believe that. You're a good man Ry."

Wolf nods.

"You saw something the rest of us didn't and he's eternally grateful for that." Snake continues "If anyone can get him back on his feet now it's you. But don't do it out of obligation or guilt."

Wolf looks up at Snake nodding curtly "Yeah, I know."

Snake nods gratefully, having imparted his wisdom. He cuffs him on the back of the neck affectionately, "Good."

A thought crosses Wolf's mind and he smirks at Snake, lightening the mood. "Jake put you up to this didn't he?"

Snake looks faintly chagrined "You know we all look out for each other. But… he may have mentioned something the other night." He concedes smiling.

Wolf laughs softly, knowing he would have enlisted the help of the oldest member of the team to talk sense into him. He can't deny that it helped.

"We're going to call it a night so he can settle in and get some rest." Snake announces laughing as well.

"K' night mate."

Snake pats him on the shoulder "Take care."

He walks over to the others signally it's time to leave.

Alex goes straight to bed after the rest of K-unit leaves. He hasn't been able to shake this persistent fatigue since the attack but despite his exhaustion, taking the time out see the rest of the team had been nice. It was fun showing off his gift to everyone too. Despite their rocky start, the members of K-unit always had a way of including him in the easy camaraderie they share with each other that puts him at ease around the truthfully dangerous men. Still he's glad to call it a night.

Wolf comes by his room a little later to see if he's settling in. He stops in the doorway with a glass of water. But he's taken aback by how prominent Alex's ribs are as he just catches him hauling on his t-shirt. Alex notices him frowning as his thinness, but he avoids his eyes, grabbing his toothbrush and carefully edging past to the bathroom at the end of the hall. His movements are slow and weighted with fatigue and pain but Wolf senses defiance there as well.

Wolf follows him after depositing the glass on the table, demanding an explanation. "Alex, what the hell? Have you been getting enough food from them?"

Alex stares at him through the mirror for moment, but averts his eyes before answering, ashamed, "I have a high metabolic rate." He offers as a weak excuse.

Wolf laughs bitterly assuming the rouse is another misguided attempt at shielding MI6 from his conspicuous contempt. "No shit. Do they provide you enough food to maintain it is what I'm asking? You're heading for rail thin here, was the allowance they gave you enough to cover all your expenses?"

"I suppose." Although he hadn't actually lacked anything, it was definitely due to some penny pinching on his part. Still that's not why he was losing weight.

"You suppose? What does that-" Wolf presses

Alex interrupts gruffly, unnerved by Wolf's train of thought.

"Look sometimes I don't feel like eating okay," he shouts "Sometimes shit happens and you forget to eat or else you just can't fucking bother. It doesn't mean I was being starved. "

He angrily looks up from where his eyes are glued to the sink, to see Wolf backing off looking apologetic. He holds up his hands in a placating gesture. "Alright, alright, I'm sorry. It's okay if you don't want to talk about it, just asking." He realizes he's trespassed into painful territory. He decides to back off lest he offend the kid or push him away.

"Wait. Wolf, wait. I didn't mean to snap. Don't go."

Wolf turns back, looking surprised, "I'm not gone; just giving you some space."

"You don't need to do that. I didn't mean to shout, just…its fine." Alex turns back to his abandoned toothbrush not quite able to hide a subtle tremor

Wolf is truthfully confused and concerned by Alex mood changes, but he comes back sensing that Alex is having a real problem being alone right now.

"Okay," He says simply, feeling it best to downplay it. "thought I might have over stepped there," Alex shakes his head annoyed by his own unpredictable emotional state.

He puts down the severely neglected toothbrush and sits on the closed toilet cover, elbows on his knees. He sighs pulling back limp hair that's in slight need of a haircut. He feels the need to purge, as though he'll feel more in control of his feelings.

"When I last saw MI6," He begins shakily "they were basically throwing the book at me and I kind of didn't know what to do with myself you know,… it was like…." He sighs again remembering his grave error during his last mission that cost him MI6's scarce support. "After everything, nothing made sense."

Wolf nods, listening intently, strong arms folded across his chest.

"You get depress…" Alex thinks better of actually using that word at the last second, "You forget to do stuff like eat or go to the market." He shrugs as though there had been no alternative. "I didn't realize how much I'd lost until recently, but I'll do better now." He offers feebly.

All the while Wolf listens with an expression like there's a foul odor in the room getting progressively worse. He nods as though deciding on a plan of action with himself.

"Don't worry about any of that here Alex. We're going to deal with it and get through it. You shouldn't be losing weight, dealing with this completely alone." He paces a bit clearly agitated. "When things like what happened last year come up, you'd have been scheduled a visit with a shrink to sort stuff out," He can't seem to stand still.

"Hell, we all saw one just after coming back this tour, its ordinary in these lines of work. You get to deal with any misgivings, regrets you may have; just talk it out for your sanity's sake. Hanging someone out to dry like that is fucked up. I've known of good soldiers who hung themselves over shit they couldn't sort through."

He turns back to Alex, marginally getting his personal animosity for them under control. "If you need to talk or anything at all, just let me know okay. I know what you're going through. We'll get through this, you hear?" Wolf squeezes his shoulder in support. "I promise."

Alex nods, choked up by the idea that he doesn't have to be alone in his head anymore, that the despair that nearly pushed him to give in, could be dispelled.

"Go on to bed. Your meds are on the night table." He steps out of the crowded bathroom to let Alex finally finish up for bed. "I'm down the hall if you need me."

Alex considers the support that Wolf is offering him, how it was instinctive need to help him that led to not only finding him at home in time, but also catching him alive. His lips smart fiercely as he rinses and spits and all he can think about is the vision of an outcome were Wolf hadn't been there at all.

For the first time in a while, someone gives a damn about him and what he's going through; actually understands what he's going through. In fact, Wolf uniquely hold that position since Jack had been too kind and unassuming to really share the nitty gritty of what he did on his missions, not to mentioned the fact that they were classified. She couldn't offer the supported he needed. She was his home to come back to but everything he did had to be hidden and besides her, there was no one.

He gently pats his face dry and quietly heads down the hall to his designated room. On the nightstand, Wolf has neatly laid out everything including water for his tablets and Alex can't help but give a small smile of appreciation. After lying down, he feels the residual tension in his muscles melt away as he relaxes and feels as close to okay as he's been in a while. He knows that nightmares are going to come but he feels a little better knowing Wolf is only a door away.


	8. Chapter 8

If you love this story plz review so I know it. I really, really want to know what you think.

When the dreams do come, they're overwhelming in their scope and reach. It's as though in his first real sedative free sleep since the attack, everything that had been repressed and shoved to the side, has now plowed to the forefront of his mind and gotten muddled with his fears and terrifyingly inaccurate as only dreams can be,

_He's lying on the floor of the bathroom of his flat, overpowered by the Surgeon dressed in the fraudulent police gear with a hospital mask barely hiding his lewd sneer._

_He's intent on assault of a more carnal nature. The possibility of which had terrified Alex to no end in reality. Alan Blunt stands by watching the proceedings. He has a ledger in his hand writing down the charges he has weighed against Alex for his actions in Faisalabad. The soldier whose death Alex had indirectly caused, sits by bloody, with vacant eyes shining. Jack tries to barge in to help him, but when she notices the dead soldier, suddenly she's fleeing, a plane ticket protruding from her bag._

_In the tub next to where he lies on the floor, Alex suddenly sees the body of the young man who really had saved Alex's life during the mission and died for his trouble, lying lifeless, his blood filling the tub. In the distance Alex notices Wolf coming up the dusty road in the shanty town were Alex's evac had landed. He's in full TAC gear as he had been in reality when he'd arrived to extract Alex from the mission gone woefully wrong. But now he's racing to stop the psychopath trying to cover Alex's eyes with a huge black widow spider. He's almost there when he's stopped cold by a bullet from Alan Blunt. Alex tries to scream but the disgusting legs of the giant spider seal his lips with burning stitches and the hands of his attacker close over his throat…_

When Alex comes awake completely, on the tail end of a scream, tears are streaming down his face and at first he doesn't know where he is. But then he notices Wolf standing by the bed, concern written across his face and a hand extended from shaking him awake, Alex doesn't even hear his reassurances or soothing nonsenses. All he sees is him alive and well and there, while all the other demons of his dream are not. None of the people who wished him dead, or blamed him for things he didn't intend nor the psychopath who wanted the pleasure of killing him intimately with spider venom.

It's just Wolf, who's been nothing but supportive ever since he was present for Alex's debriefing and subsequent dismissal. Alex is over come with immense gratitude and a startling sense of security. He hugs him fiercely; letting the tears flow freely for everything he's lost since his uncle died and catapulted him into this unforgiving world.

Wolf doesn't talk or try to find out what the dream was. He knew this was coming. He'd lain awake thinking of the gross injustices until he'd heard the first smothered sobs. So he just sits and holds him, his eyes growing misty as well for a shattered youth who's been chewed up and spit out by the darker side of society.

Over the next several days, nightmares become Alex's main problem. The residual effects of the spider venom wear off without any complications and the wounds around his mouth and nose begin to slowly disappear.

But his sleep is broken every night without fail. It's not only his ordeal at the hands of the Surgeon, but disgrace at MI6 and a growing fear of a repeat performance, that he's not sure how to combat. The only saving grace is the fact that Wolf is always there, each time bringing him out of it when he can't seem to wake himself.

 

Despite evey suppressing tactic he can think to employ to help him sleep, the nightly interruptions wake him in a cold sweat unfailingly each night, usually more than once, and on one occasion, he barely makes it to the bathroom in time to lose his dinner. At that point Wolf finally inquiries into what is it he's seeing. But Alex isn't comfortable saying, at least not yet. He dodges the question, begging off to go back to sleep, but the rest of the night isn't what could be called restful either. It never is.

 

He ends up getting his best sleep during the day with a series of naps. Alex comes to the conclusion that the ambient noises of Wolf moving about, either in his workshop or gym or even at his computer, puts his mind at ease and quells the fears, But he doesn't tell Wolf this at first; as far as Alex is concerned, it would only freak him out. But by a fifth consecutive day of hardly any sleep, he realizes that's the only way he's going to get any decent rest at the present.

 

At the same time he begins to notice the frequent nightly visits taking a toll on Wolf as well. It's nothing he's done or forgotten to do that alerts Alex to the fact that he's exhausted, but he's beginning to look worn out, almost haggard and understandably irritable. To Alex's wonder, its never him that Wolf gets short tempered with though. He expects it, especially seeing as he is the cause of the man's sleep deprivation, but no, Wolf is perfectly civil to him most of the time but flat out unreasonably short with the inanimate objects in the house and an innocent plate or two have felt the full force of his frustration.

 

It starts to finally catch up with him after nearly a week of only three hours of sleep per night. Alex awakes from a long, surprisingly restful nap to find Wolf asleep at the dining table. Alex walks over from the sofa he's basically claimed as his daytime bed, into the kitchen were the beginnings of that evenings dinner are sitting on the counter carefully abandoned and Wolf's phone is resting on the table at his head with a timer for twenty minutes.

 

Alex feels badly, realizing Wolf is actually trying to fill the gaps whenever the chance arose just as though the task of caring for Alex was a demanding full-time job. Alex supposes it is, what with cooking for him while his own coordination is still abysmal, doing his own daily tasks, and constantly waking up in the night to help him with his persistent nightmares, nightmares he should be able to work through himself. Alex wonders how he could have missed it. Yet, as he walks back over to the sofa to retrieve the blanket he'd been sleeping with, he knows he can't leave. He can't be on his own right now. If he were to try living in an empty two room flat like before, with just himself and his thoughts for company, without Wolf around to steer him back from the dark turns his mind so readily takes, it wouldn't be pretty.

 

He returns to the kitchen and ever so gently covers Wolf with the blanket knowing the slightest movement could wake the soldier. But surprisingly, he doesn't budge.

 

Alex looks him over, noting his head pillowed on his arm and a drool spot forming on the table, totally out, and he momentarily questions the authenticity of this softer side of the man, a side he never knew existed let alone ever saw. Could he feel that guilty for something that wasn't truly his fault? Does he really feel that he owes him that deeply?

 

But then Alex remembers the scene of his assault and near death, those last few moments… and the real sadness and compassion that had led to Wolf discovering the grave trickery in time. Alex can't help but believe that despite the guilt, there is an actual desire to help too.

 

Alex quietly turns off the phone timer and puts away the food Wolf was about to prepare for them, deciding to order out for them from the bundle of take-out menus he knows are in a kitchen drawer somewhere; give them both a much need break.

 

After he places his order and silently lays out some dishes, he sits by the window to intercept the delivery guy before he can wake Wolf with his knocking. Meanwhile he formulates a plan of action to give them both a chance to get some much needed rest. Once he gets a chance to explain, he sees no reason for Wolf to object.

 

When Alex spots the deliver guy coming up the walk, he's ready at the door. Just before he can knock, Alex yanks the door open, hands the bewildered man a twenty and tells him to keep the change before shutting it again without an answer. Besides the fact that its quieter this way, Alex isn't keen on anyone seeing or asking about his scars yet.

 

By the time Alex reenters the kitchen, the smell of Indian curry has already roused Wolf completely. He chuckles tiredly, stretching. "Tired of my cooking already huh?" He frowns down at his phone for a moment but says nothing while pocketing it.

 

Alex plops the food on the table with a grin. "What are you talking about? I love you cooking" he teases "That chicken stew yesterday almost looked like real food."

 

"Yeah," Wolf grimaces "That was about the height of my abilities in the kitchen." They both laugh as Alex pulls up his chair and Wolf eagerly unbags everything.

 

Over dinner, Alex broaches the idea of sleeping shifts. Based on the fact that his best sleep is in the day and he has no responsibilities that would conflict with such a reverted schedule. Wolf could get a full night's sleep while Alex quietly entertained himself with either books or the internet. It wasn't an ideal solution, but it could work is what Alex was hoping would be the general conclusion that Wolf drew from the suggestion.

 

Wolf quietly munches a second helping of curried lamb, thinking it over. "It's not a bad idea. If you sleep best in the day might as well make it official, at least for now."

 

Alex is pleasantly surprised by the quick agreement and eats a bit of his food with a little stress lifted off his shoulders.

 

"You sure didn't sleep enough to try pulling an all nighter just yet. You still need to aim for as much as sleep as you can get tonight."

 

Alex nods quietly devoid of appetite again. He wishes he could just tackle the problem once and for all, no outside input necessary, banish the dreams and everything they stand for, but Wolf is a part of the problem and therefore very central to the solution. It's not easy conveying that though.

Wolf notices the suddenly somber expression.

 

"It would help if you purged," He suggests "Im telling you that as long as uncertainties linger in your mind about what happened or your fears are not addressed, its going to keep happening."

 

Alex considers it, has already thought about it in fact, many time, but always decides against it. Sure he could just confront his fear of the Surgeon and digest it but its all bound up in his other fears which he cannot explain.

 

Alex knows that despite all his uncharacteristic attentiveness and understanding, Wolf still wouldn't take certain aspects of his fears seriously. Namely, this borderline obsessive fear for Wolf's own safety. This idea that either MI6 or the Surgeon himself are going to kill him because of his close involvement with Alex. In a nutshell, this consuming terror of getting Wolf killed.

 

Wolf would likely assume they're unfounded because he's careful or capable or whatever he may insist is the reason nothing of the sort will happen to him. So Alex avoids eye contact and simply doesn't say, ignoring that subject altogether.

 

Wolf frowns at him, giving him a searching look. "What about the investigation?" He eventually asks "I know there's more you remember. When are you going to talk to the authorities properly?"

 

Alex sighs openly, annoyed by how morose the dinner conversation has become in such a short time and at the same time knowing that it had to be addressed. Knowing that the relative peace he has hiding away here, was drawing to a close.

 

Despite the nightmares and sleep deprivation, day to day life thus far was quiet and mostly restful, if a little boring. But reliving the memories in broad daylight, tearing open emotional wounds that have barely even scabbed over, he's absolutely dreading, even if it can lead to the man getting caught. Which Alex is truthfully doubtful they are actually trying to do.

 

Still he knows it's necessary and that it will help him move on.

 

"The best way to ruin the week is to start on Monday right?" He quips bitterly ",guess I can start then."

 

"It'll be alright," Wolf reassures him "Give them all you have in one go, take your time, you'll get a weight off your chest, start healing." He pushes back his chair, gathering the empty containers. "Because this," he gestures towards Alex's sullen expression and the general vicinity of the claimed sofa. "isn't healing. I know everyone needs time and all, but until you can trust me enough, or even someone else, to open up about what happened and get it out of your system, it's going to rule over you and drag you into the ground."

 

It's the closest he's gotten to telling it like it is and Alex appreciates the blatant honesty but all the same he still resents the call to reality.

 

Alex is pretty sure that Wolf can't know what he's asking him to do or what letting go would entail. He doesn't know how close Alex came to actually giving in even before the Surgeon came knocking on his door and he doesn't intend to tell him either. There are too many demons hiding in the closets of his mind to go over, to pretend he can air them all out in one go; best not to rouse them at all because one thing will lead to another.

 

It's not an issue of trust either, he trusts Wolf with his life completely, more so than he could have thought possible before, but trust can't always trump fear, and that's his biggest problem; fear for himself, fear of MI6, fear of the repercussions of his past actions, fear for Wolf and what knowing might mean for him and mostly fear of losing a developing camaraderie and friendship with Wolf that he doesn't think will be able to stand the rigors of pursuing the phantoms that this ordeal has created for him.

 

All things considered Alex doesn't think he'll ever be ready to talk about what happened to him like that. But he can provide investigators with info on his attacker for the sole purpose of bringing him to justice. He concentrates on preparing himself for that and ignores Wolf's suggestion which requires a herculean effort he's not prepared to make.

 

He takes his own dish to the sink and washes it morosely, distinctly aware of Wolf's eyes on his back. When he turns back around, Wolf is unashamedly watching him with concern and a certain sadness in his dark eyes as though he'd unknowingly had a hand in all this.

 

Alex feels the sudden urge to lighten the mood as best he can before heading off to an early bedtime, he doesn't like that particular look on Wolf's face, especially directed at him. "Actually you may not realize it, but this little set up; duvets on the sofa at one in the afternoon and curry with you at six; that's me healing." He offers a small smile because it's actually true. "believe it or not, its working."

 

He's pleased to find that a shadow of a smile, softens Wolf's expression and the man returns to the chore of tiding up after them with a good natured shake of the head. "If you say so Cub," He gives Alex's too long hair a tossle before he can duck away. "I suggest you call it a night."

 

"Yeah…" Alex pulls away setting his hair back into some kind of order "G'night"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't resist that bit of fluff towards the end there. I really wanted to illustrate the other sides of these characters. The mundane aspects of things that make them feel more real to me. Let me know what you thought of the chapter plz plz plz. And know that if you review I'll be sure to thank you personally and update sooner.
> 
> Thank you all regardless for reading until next time

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is honestly adored.


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